What I am looking forward to this month

2.20.10

For this month, I was prescribed the birth control pill.  I know it sounds strange, considering we actually want a baby.  After taking the pill for 22 days, my eggs will mature at the same time, instead of being slightly different sizes.  In my last visit my doctor said, "I am feeling good about this month.  I can't wait to see how you progress."  I keep repeating that to myself, hoping i can get excited as well.  Its so hard to get my hopes up about anything.  

Monday, the 22nd,  I start giving myself injections in my stomach.  Before this month, I was only doing 4 to 5 shots in one week, the week before IUI (insemination).  This month I was told that I would be doing injections all the way up until IUI, so approximately 2 weeks, one every day.  I am nervous, not only because I am usually a raging, hormonal mess after the 1st couple shots, but because of the bruising & swelling at the injection sites.  This should be interesting.

I have friends asking me to get together, hang out.  I go into what I call "hermit mode."  Staying home seems so much safer.  I am so emotional... and angry.  I am so full of hatred.  I just need the strength to get out of bed.  

Living for Today

2.20.10

After almost 2 and a half years of trying to conceive, I find I am doubting my strength to go on.  Am I strong enough?  Of course I would like to think that I am strong enough, but I guess doubting myself is what I do best these days.  

I have been going through fertility treatments for over a year, my anniversary being January 22nd, the date of my 1st surgery for endometriosis.  I lost two pregnancies, and that has to be the hardest part.  To want something so bad, and when your dream finally comes true, it is suddenly taken from you without explanation.  I was so in love with my baby, but I will never know what it would have been like to hold you, to fall asleep with you in my arms, to kiss you on the forehead.  My due date for my first pregnancy was on February 16th.  You would've been our little Valentine's baby.  I thought for sure after the 16th came and went, I could start healing.  I thought I would be able to look forward now.  I am going to have to pretend that I have the strength to get through this.  Maybe.