The Next Steps

Unfortunately, I have lots another pregnancy. I feel like the more I say it, the more I heal. At first the words sent me into uncontrollable panic and depression. I thought talking about it was only making things worse, making me worse. I can understand now that it's better for me to let it be a part of my past and focus on today. One day at a time.
My doctor did a few more rounds of IUI with no luck at all, and then it was time for the talk. We had been doing the most aggressive treatments and it wasn't working. In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) is the next option. This means a whole different doctor for me. IVF isn't covered under our insurance, so our savings will be going towards having a baby in a dish. I am frustrated with this fact, but at the same time, I feel so blessed. Even though my body has failed me thus far, modern medicine can take over and help my dreams come true. Hopefully. It's never a guarantee. The new doctor seems fantastic, though. After laying out thousands and thousands of dollars, we have taken care of all the necessary testing. Just waiting on the results now. However, it's been a week and still no results. I am taking hormones that seem to prey on my patience.
IVF is a whole different game. It's literally 4x the amount of hormones and injections on a daily basis. I know it's gonna be a tough month for me mentally & emotionally, so my goal is to think positive. This will work, it has to.

Two More Days

The two week wait is almost over for me, and i am so excited to find out the results. I am feeling pretty confidant that I have symptoms already, but I won't know for sure until Thursday afternoon. I am trying not to think about the hard times I have already faced, the babies that I have lost. I want to believe that if I am pregnant, than it will be a healthy pregnancy... all the way to a live birth. All I can do is remain calm & relaxed, continue to eat healthy and take care of my body. I am hoping for the best :)

What I am looking forward to this month

2.20.10

For this month, I was prescribed the birth control pill.  I know it sounds strange, considering we actually want a baby.  After taking the pill for 22 days, my eggs will mature at the same time, instead of being slightly different sizes.  In my last visit my doctor said, "I am feeling good about this month.  I can't wait to see how you progress."  I keep repeating that to myself, hoping i can get excited as well.  Its so hard to get my hopes up about anything.  

Monday, the 22nd,  I start giving myself injections in my stomach.  Before this month, I was only doing 4 to 5 shots in one week, the week before IUI (insemination).  This month I was told that I would be doing injections all the way up until IUI, so approximately 2 weeks, one every day.  I am nervous, not only because I am usually a raging, hormonal mess after the 1st couple shots, but because of the bruising & swelling at the injection sites.  This should be interesting.

I have friends asking me to get together, hang out.  I go into what I call "hermit mode."  Staying home seems so much safer.  I am so emotional... and angry.  I am so full of hatred.  I just need the strength to get out of bed.  

Living for Today

2.20.10

After almost 2 and a half years of trying to conceive, I find I am doubting my strength to go on.  Am I strong enough?  Of course I would like to think that I am strong enough, but I guess doubting myself is what I do best these days.  

I have been going through fertility treatments for over a year, my anniversary being January 22nd, the date of my 1st surgery for endometriosis.  I lost two pregnancies, and that has to be the hardest part.  To want something so bad, and when your dream finally comes true, it is suddenly taken from you without explanation.  I was so in love with my baby, but I will never know what it would have been like to hold you, to fall asleep with you in my arms, to kiss you on the forehead.  My due date for my first pregnancy was on February 16th.  You would've been our little Valentine's baby.  I thought for sure after the 16th came and went, I could start healing.  I thought I would be able to look forward now.  I am going to have to pretend that I have the strength to get through this.  Maybe.